I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You Might Also Like
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Oh hi lol
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Breaking news:
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
