I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.