I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”