Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Real 😅

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

No Google it does not

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.