I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.