I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
philosophical skeletons be like
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*