Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
You can’t rush stupid.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh