Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”