I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.