I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.