I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense