Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Why does laundry happen to good people?

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.