I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you