Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Saturday

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.