Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom