Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed