Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

How does one answer this?

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.