I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Harsh but fair
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”