I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Teach your children to beatbox
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”