Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Hey Fugeddaboutit

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Everyone’s family