i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
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Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like