i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Thursday Thought.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?