“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?