Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

when mom throws a party…

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat