i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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lol
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes