i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”