Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

sign of the times 🖊

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Just me?

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Human are so complicated

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes