Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

#winning

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Your secret is safeish with me

My birth announcement for our third baby

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.