Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

can’t catch a break

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?