Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.