Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

respect

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!