Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

went fishing caught a bass

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.