I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You Might Also Like
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*gets down on one knee*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed