*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
*skips away in terror
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]