I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Look at this
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.