I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
ready to be harvested
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.