If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied