Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Coffee for people with no kids

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right