“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[eulogy]
line?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.