Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.