Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem