Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
-I’m terribly sorry
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left