I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.