@ThrillHicks

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

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@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@FredTaming

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

@ThisOneSayz

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

@Marlebean

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

@Gupton68

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@videojames_

heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left