I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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