I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.