I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people