Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”