Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.