I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Just so funny
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.