I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Going into Monday like
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My Sentiments Exactly
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?