Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

My favorite type of men is ramen.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

✌🏽

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.