I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
🤣🤣🤣
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath