I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft