I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
huge if true: the moon
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
A great tip. #CakeRex
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.