I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.