I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.