Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

doing your own taxes

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.