I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one