Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

#damn

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.