I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever