I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES


[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?


Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.


My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol


It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning


Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks


Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.


It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.


My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!