mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?
Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.