I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Not today
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.