I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*


Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*


HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*


High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:


Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.


Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.


[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.


Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?


Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.