@aarontaman

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

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@dorsalstream

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

@deardilettante

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

@bigpoppadrunk

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

@EmmaUtters

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

@AskAuntieEm1

Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@TheBoydP

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!