Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet