Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone