Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?