Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]