Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

mariah carrie

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐