Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

*jingles half the way*

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.