I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*