I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My blood type is coffee.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors