Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpe DM

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.