Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

When your diet is finally over.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.