I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
real
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this