I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.