Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse