@CulturedRuffian

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

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@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@robin_991

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

@I_am_carbs

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

@maisondecris

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

@Average_Dad1

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.