I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Natty or not?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.