@CulturedRuffian

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

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@girlwithatail

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

@MommaUnfiltered

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@AsgardianRose

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

@olivialoughlin3

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

@rolldiggity

A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.