Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

When your diet is finally over.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools