I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
i choose….tongue
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
We’ve come full circle
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
That’s fair
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels